Group 42-Sells Out! - The Information Archive/Group 42 Sells Out (Group 42) (1996).iso/drugs/ecstacy/mdma2.txt

Text File | 1995-11-30 | 29KB | 497 lines

Newsgroups: alt.drugs

        Wow.  WOW.  WOOOOOOOOOOW!  Sorry... Had my first X experience this
weekend, and I though I'd tell the net what it was like, and also ask a
few questions abouyt this stuff to the people that know more about it than
I do.
        I was well-prepared for the evening even before I took the X.  I
had eaten a sixteenth of shrooms (shitty) and taken 2 or 3 hits off the 3.5
foot bong my friend has called Goliath (really good weed, too).  By the
time I got to the rave, I was so fucked up I was getting deep meaning from
the music, free-associating with everything around me, and generally out
of my skull.  It actually wasn't very pleasant for about 40 minutes,
untill my friends got back (they had a problem getting into the rave and
had to go back home to get some different IDs).  I hooked up with my
source soon after that, too the little pill, and sat down in the UV room
they had there to wait.
        By the time the X kicked in, the weed had worn off and I wasn't so
out of it anymore.  The first thing I noticed was a subtle alteration in
my perceptions, followed by a slow but steady surge of energy throughout
my whole body.  It wasn't like caffeine or ephedrine, where you get really
jittery, but rather it was very smooth and pleasant (VERY pleasant.  I
think this stuff could be addictive).  While this was going on, I was just
laying back in the UV room digging the cool sensations, and I noticed that
little things like moving my hands across the foam mattress I was laying
on gave *VERY* interesting sensations.  I tried smoking a cigarette, and
found it to be an incredibly sensual pleasure (I normally don't like
smoking).  My friend came in (sorry no first names, I'm a tad paranoid),
and I was overcome with a rush of freindship-type feelings for him, and
demanded a hug, which felt SO wonderful (I'm not gay, and it wasn't
anything sexual, just a freindly-type thing).  That was at about T+50
minutes.  I exchanged several more hugs with other friends.  Shook hands
with another first-timer, and just generally grooved on the cool vibes I
was feeling.
        About five minutes later, Friend #1 convinced me to get off my ass
and gout out to the dance floor and dance.  I had been surprised before at
my ability to just lay there (I had though that the Amphetamine effects
would have procluded any kind of sitting still, but apparently not).  I
gout out and start dancing at about T+1 hour.  I was really feeling it
now, so while I was dacing my ass off I was spinning up to random people
and asking them 'are you Xing'?  I only found a couple of people who were,
but I ended up dancing with this cute girl from a nearby town.  We were
slow-grind-dancing for a while, when things started to get REALLY weird.
        All of a sudden when I was staring into her eyes, and she was
staring into mine (I normally have a hard time looking people in the eyes,
but it was totally natural) when suddenly I found myself feeling that
tightness in the chest you get when you are in love.  *LOVE*.  I had met
this girl 15 minutes ago (we're at about T+1:45 here) and I was totally in
love with her.  This realization completely threw me, and I just reveled
in it while we danced for a little while more, and then sat down in the UV
room and smoked some more cigarettes (again, this was LOTS of fun).  Also,
One of my friends procured some 'toys':  a peppermint nasal inhaler (makes
your head feel like a peppermint patty), and a rainbow glo-stick (very
cool looking).
        My friends came into the UV room again, and I suddenly realized I
was in love with ALL of them, male and female.  It wasn't really sexual,
just pure love (something I don't think I've EVER experienced before).  We
got up and went to another room sat down in a crowd of people, and rolled
a J and smoked up.  Not too long after this, my friends decided to leave,
but I was having too much fun to go, so I stayed and danced with this girl
until the place closed a couple of hours later, and then walked about
*THREE MILES* home, IN THE POURING RAIN.  I even got totally lost,
wandering around downtown SLC, and I didn't care because I had so much
energy.  I'm damn lucky I didn't get triple pneumonia. Got home about T+6
hours, fell into bed, and slept on and off for the entire rest of saturday
and sunday until noon.  When I woke up, I found out that I had been
grinding the living shit out of my teeth the entire trip, and they were
loose in my sockets for about 12 hours.  I need to get a chew-toy next time.
        My conclusions?  One, it's REALLY REALLY REALLY fun.  Two, I can
see how it could be addictive.  Three, make sure you organize yourself
*before* you do it, because you lose things really easily.  Four, beware
of unintentional emotional bonding!!!  This drug opens you up SO much that
you can easily form deep emotional attachments to someone you don't even
know.  It should be REAL interesting calling this girl I was dancing with
tomorrow (she wasn't Xing and I was).  I dunno if I'll be doing this very
often (it's $20 a hit 'round here), and it racks your body up pretty hard.
        Questions:  It's been ~36 hours, and I'm still feeling it.  How
long before it goes away?  Also, any health advice anyone who is more
experienced than I can give me will be much appreciated.  All those
stories about neural damage give me a bit of a pause.
        Sorry for rambling on so long, but this was one of the most
intense experiences of my life, and I had to get it off my chest.

=============================================================================

Newsgroups: alt.drugs


>An entactogen makes one feel that "everything is okay". A general
>feeling of well-being.

>Note that MDMA does not always have this effect. Bad trips on MDMA do
>happen. If there's a lot of negative stuff buried inside, it can get
>suddenly connected with your conscious thought. One person I know took
>some MDMA and couldn't stop crying for about 2 hours.

>Fortunately, it is pretty rare, and most people have very good
>experiences on MDMA. Personally, I think it should be issued to
>people (on a voluntary basis).

Unfortunately, it seems that I am one of these rare cases, I can get the MDMA
entactogenic effects only when I am in a very safe familiar place with people
I like a lot already. If not, then I do feel very lonely, incomplete, and I
usually get obsessed with finding my soul-mate. There is no way I can dance, and
some times I have cried for quite some time. The only thing I seem to want to
do is 'Quddle' with someone that I know will feel the same after they've come
down, and not just because of the drug.
I have tried to avoid to get imprinted on people (intimate love-wise) because
I don't think that drugs are there to create love, but to facilitate its
expression, and I wouldn't start a relationship based on a pill. I have tried
to feed this need for primal Quddling with having a teddy to Quddle, it has
freaked people out, and it still does, but hey if a rave is a place where you
can do what you feel like doing then if I feel like going with my teddy is my
business.
It sound like regression and believe me it feels like one as well, about 2
years old I should think. It is obvious to me that Quddling is what I've
missed (Wilson's Biosurvival circuit, oral, safety etc.) when I was young, It
is something I will get over by partly supplementing this safety my self and
partly by finding people that are willing to share their affection with me.
This the main reason I take MDMA occasionally but  very carefully, because I
believe that this is a deep need that has to be faced/addressed/resolved
instead of being suppressed/hidden and forgotten. Many times is hard and can be
quite painful but I'm moving on and keep on moving.

Now the point I wanted to get to from the start is that under the
circumstances it sound that it would be a very bad idea to try LSD, well, I
have more times than MDMA and I have a brilliant time. All I want to do is dance
and become one with the music, the more parts of the music (even emotions) I
can express with my body, the better. Is like marring time (music) with space (volume)
and when I get into it suddenly there is a peak experience that makes me feel great,
complete, love for everyone especially for those I can sense around me (since I always
dance with my eyes shut), and I feel Quddled by the whole universe (hence Cosmic Baby).
My world view changes and by present time seems as a transition, I can see where I'm
going and where I could go, and everything makes sense, there is no helplessness involved
like in MDMA nor involuntary regression, just the aware choice of been who I am the way
I want to be, as curious, sensitive, genuine, enthusiastic as child and as responsible as and
adult and as caring and understanding as a parent.
Now the problem comes with LSD because is a loners drug, people don't give a shit if you
feel genuine love for them, as long as you can't express it (with my eyes closed is a bit
hard). Or maybe I do through my way of  dancing but none seems to understand, I come
across as a tripping  eccentric loner  who loses it on E and goes around with teddy,
socially it can be a bit problematic.
Does anybody else gets bad times on E but brilliant times on A or is it just me.

=============================================================================
Newsgroups: alt.drugs,alt.psychoactives,alt.rave

    Well, I have received much encouragement to relate my experiences
on Ecstasy, so here is an attempt...

    I was told almost a week in advance that I might have the
opportunity to try Ecstasy with the young lady who acted as a guide
for my first LSD trip. We were to meet at a given tube station not
far from the nightclub where the experimentation would take place.
    I was not easy about trying a new psychedelic in a crowded place,
realizing this could have been difficult to handle with LSD. But
there lay the opportunity and I just hoped to have enough mental
control (practice of Yoga helping) if things got tight.
    I had read about MDMA in Peter Stafford's Psychedelics
Encyclopaedia, but was aware E's are not very often pure MDMA. In
addition, the book had stayed at home and my memory of its contents
had faded somewhat. So I scanned the net for an Ecstasy FAQ and read
that, also reading whatever current reports of the experience were
posted on alt.drugs.
    Quite strangely, that was also the week my father decided to give
me a hysterical account of some absurd and manipulatively badly
written article in a Swiss newspaper depicting the dreadful and
possessive evils of the Love Pill. He knows I have profound interest
in altered consciousness and its chemical gateways, but not what I'm
up to in my spare time...

    Anyway, I psyched myself up all week for the event, and when the
Saturday evening came, I left a little note on my desk explaining
that if I was unlucky that night, the Quest had been worth it.

    As soon as we entered the nightclub, we went upstairs to the
dance floor. An immense room with drapes hanging off all walls, a
screen with a permanent slide of Planet Earth on it and countless
balloons floating all around.
    Sitting in a corner of the stage, I was handed my 2/3 of a White
Dove pill. I insisted on chewing it to taste it - I wanted some
intimate contact with the substance I was about to share my mind with.
Tasted awful. Very chemical. That made me laugh, especially looking
at the face of my companion who had agreed to bite into it too. We
washed the taste down with gulps from the traditional raver's water
bottle, as our supplier explained to us a few of the basics and
possible initial effects.
    "If you feel funny, get up and dance." she had said.
    Sure enough, about 25 minutes later, I was feeling slightly
uncomfortable. Stomach ? Mind ? I wasn't sure. From feeling quite
talkative I went to being rather silent and reserved. So I got up and
began to jiggle about. That felt a whole lot better.
    I was soon joined by the other Ecstasy-newbie who commented that
nothing was happening to her.
    "I feel weird", I said.
    "Keep dancing" our supplier repeated, she too waiting for her E
to kick in.

    Minutes later I experienced a rush to the head - I felt for a few
seconds that I was really going to lose it, and had a vision of myself
huddled in a corner, crying for hours. Damn, just my luck I thought,
a bad trip on the first one. I literally felt as if my mind was going
to black out. No way, I thought, no way. My dad talks WOsD propaganda
and I'm not having a bad trip. I quickly searched for my companions
on the stage and got closer to them. I danced more energetically,
trying to get into the music.

    Seconds later a most unbelievable surge of energy and gentle
warmth rushed through my body. It was so brutally intense, all I
could do for several minutes was inhale and let the breath come out
as one long howl of indescriptible joy. Many around me joined in.
It seemed as though half the stage was just hollering in joint
ecstasy.
    Ecstasy. The perfect word. No other could have described what I
was experiencing right then and there. Beyond words. The entire
message was contained in a scream and the most intense smile my face
had displayed in ages.
    Our supplier bounded up to us asking "are you OK ? Have you eased
up both of you ? You were rather tense". I just grinned my face off.
    "I feel like hugging everybody" I shouted.
    "Then DO !" she yelled, flinging herself around my neck.
Geez, that felt so GOOD ! Hugging was the most rewarding, comforting
and uplifting experience ! This, for a person such as myself, usually
quite conscious of personal space and physical contact with strangers,
was a truly fascinating discovery.

    The music too was surrounding me in trance-like comfort. The
sound spoke to every nerve in my body. This is the synergy between
dance, mind and rythmic signatures Terrence McKenna was on about, I
thought. Wow. I could enjoy the "Here and Now" - any time a thought
of something unpleasant from the world would arise, I could look at
it without stress, then gently push it out of my mind. It didn't
matter that I had a project and exams. This state was pure, free,
uninhibited.

    Speaking to people in the chill-out room was bliss. I wanted
everybody to be OK, I wanted to know their names, how many times they
came here, what they were on... They were all so friendly.
    One of them asked me "You're all loved up, right ?". I answered
with the ecstatic grin. "It's their first E" he was told. He then got
up, opened his arms wide, and gave me a big hug. There was something
so pure and brotherly about the whole atmosphere, it was overwhelming.

    I noticed all the described effects : brighter lights and
colours, increased physical energy yet great calm, strong empathy and
forgiveness for agressive behaviour, merging with the music to a
trance state...
    "Beware of inappropriate emotional bonding", I had read. Damn,
that's what held me back from interacting more fully with an
unusually pretty girl who seemed to want to dance with me. As I
noticed she was looking into my eyes and half turning to face me, I
felt my heartbeat pound away. Another amazing wave of warmth shot up
through my stomach to the top of my head. I felt my entire body
vibrating with pleasure. I was on E and I was being turned on.
    I just looked into her eyes. I was confused by the intensity of
the attraction, and uncertain how much of this was real. I needed a
nod from a friend to go ahead, or something like that.

    The nod never came. But I learned something really valuable there.
Several years ago I got screwed up by a strong bondage with a girl.
She moved away, and sure enough some predator attracted by her beauty
seduced her. Though she chucked him away fast, that was the end for
us. I had never been able to start another relationship with a girl
since. I would miss any cue girls would send out to me, or even turn
away from them, frightened. That Saturday night, Ecstasy cleared me
from this emotional hangup. On the way down, I became introspective
and meditative, and figured out what had been inhibiting me from
falling in love again. This made me feel a great weight had just left
my conscience, and I shared this feeling with friends immediately.
I was once more free to love.
    Sounds dramatic, I know. But this realization was deep, complete
and liberating. LSD had freed my mind from some of its shackles,
Ecstasy was freeing my feelings.

    There would be so much more to say. But if you've read this far,
I won't abuse your patience.
    What remains from the first experience is this emotional freedom,
this feeling for Compassion (I now have a much better notion of what
Buddha or Christ seemed to be preaching), and an increased ability to
tune in to the structures and messages of music. On a more subtle
level, I find it easier to initiate conversation with people and can
cope better with aimless talk about this or that. I can also pick out
almost anybody in a nightclub who is on E ! A real sharing and
compassionate bunch - if a complete stranger happily offers you water,
a spliff or a Vicks inhaler, I give you one guess as to what he's
swallowed. Check the intense smile on his face, too.

    I have had only two more experiences with Ecstasy since.
    On one occasion I met a really interesting group on the dance
floor, winding up back at their place smoking spliff and playing
video games, with a good bed for the night ! It also confirmed the
return of my ability to interact with girls without hangups.
    On the second occasion, I had twenty minutes of deeply mystical
feeling ("I feel I'm talking to Jesus" I told my friend - this being
from an agnostic). I also had a blinding moment in which I felt
intensely how deeply important my friends are to me and how far
beyond ordinary bonds our friendship goes.

    So for whoever is going to try Ecstasy : aside from the usual
drink-lots-of-water-and-wear-loose-clothing advice, prepare for times
of howling beauty and buzzing interactions. Remember you can look at
personal problems in a warm detached manner and maybe solve emotional
history problems. And prepare for the ultimate experiences in dancing
and h

=============================================================================
Newsgroups: alt.drugs

I always enjoy other people's descriptions of their drug experiences, so
I thought I'd add mine.  I wrote the following for a friend of mine who
never takes recreational drugs.  I had taken Ecstasy twice before, at
music festivals, and noticed that it didn't seem to be a social drug
for me.  So last Sunday I decided to take it by myself.  It was a
beautiful sunny day, and I was housesitting near a lake.

-------

I've been up since 4 this morning.  While an Ecstasy high lasts only 4
or 5 hours, the amphetamine effect lasts for much longer.  I went to bed
around 10:30 and slept very lightly all night.  Then I decided it would
be good to be out in the morning.  The sky was clear, and I hadn't been
up for sunrise since winter.  And I wanted to revisit some of the places
I had been yesterday.

This coming down part is a bit of a rough road.  Before I started
yesterday I knew I'd feel lonely coming down.  And I do.  I thought that
Eddie, the cat, would be of some comfort, but he's not much.  And I
can't think of anyone who wants a visit or a phone call at this hour on
a Monday morning.  When I have the "speed" effect without the euphoria
effect, the usual comforting activities don't work (food, sleep,
lounging, reading).

And, although I'm glad I went walking this morning - it actually felt
like that was the only option for me - revisiting yesterday's places was
not particularly happy.  Toward the end of my walk, a raven got really
annoyed with me, and screamed at me for dozens of yards.  Her voice was
especially grating.

I think, though, that her voice was not a problem yesterday.  Either
that, or else she wasn't yelling at me.  All the sounds of the
afternoon formed a song.  Birds, trees rustling, voices, and the
ever-present bump-bump of the traffic on the I-90 bridge.  It's as
though each sound makes a lasting impression on my mind such that all
the sounds blend.  In fact, what seems to happen in general is that each
sensory input is experienced for a longer moment than normal.  So one's
visual field seems bigger and richer.  The movement of the leaves on the
trees is like a dance.  And the sounds make music.

I was out for 5-1/2 hours yesterday.  I did chores around the house
until I could feel the Ecstasy take effect.  Then I suddenly had an
urge to breathe in deeply, and the breath filled me up.  I made sure
the cat was outside, put a little money and my ID (with your emergency
contact info!) in my windbreaker pocket, left the house and locked the
door.

It's so funny that I thought I might write to you while I was tripping,
because I became so absorbed in each moment that the last thing I wanted
to do was walk back home and log in.  I spent 5-1/2 hours within a
1-mile x 1/4-mile strip along Lake Washington.  If I could have tripped
longer, I could have spent days in that same area.

First I walked down to the lake.  It was a sunny Sunday, and there were
all kinds of people out.  I felt so incredibly vulnerable, though.  I
knew that if I made eye contact with anyone, it would be for a longer
moment than normal, and it would draw people toward me.  I've
experienced it before.  So I averted my eyes from everyone.  Finally I
realized that I didn't want to be around people at all.  So I turned and
walked up through Colman Park.

Colman Park is just one block south of the house where I'm staying.
It's mostly just a green space.  But yesterday afternoon it was an
infinite paradise.  A road (Lake Washington Blvd.) winds through the
park, but there is a footpath that cuts straight up the hill and tunnels
under the Blvd. so that you don't have to walk on the road at all.  Once
I entered the first tunnel I felt this huge sense of relief.  I was out
of the sun, and I was away from all those people.  All afternoon I
continued to enjoy various senses of relief which often seemed all out
of proportion to whatever discomfort I had been feeling.  I mean, I
wasn't enjoying being around all those people, but it wasn't awful.  But
somehow it felt absolutely exhilarating to be away from them.

My shoes were off.  And my feet were already filthier than I ever let
them get in normal life.  When I'm on Ecstasy I feel like walking
through everything - sand, puddles, mud, gravel - and I don't notice
what it does to my feet.  I just don't care.  In fact, I have to be
extra careful not to step on glass, because I might not notice if I were
cut badly.  I'd probably just enjoy the sensation of the warm blood
oozing out.

After walking very slowly up this path, maybe 50 yards, I reached a very
green spot.  And there the peak of the high hit me.  I stood in one spot
for the longest time, staring up at the trees, swaying back and forth,
turning my head in different directions, and listening to the song.  I
even had some mild hallucinogenic visual effects, where the swaying
trees formed geometric patterns.  And if I closed my eyes, I actually
saw those psychadelic-type black and white checkerboard patterns moving
all around.  I didn't like that.  I wanted to be in the real world.  So
I kept my eyes open.

There was another woman sitting in the grass about 50 feet away, but I
felt safe with her.  She was minding her own business, and I felt sure
she'd let me mind mine.  In fact, I think I enjoyed her presence.

I hugged some trees.  They were delicious.  I enjoyed the roughness of
the bark.

Then I walked up some more.  There is a P-patch further up the hill.
There were people working in it.  I walked very slowly through the
patch.  I enjoyed the earthy smell and the idea that people were helping
things to grow there.  The song was still playing.  I was very high,
even kind of lightheaded.  I began to worry that I was getting
dehydrated.  It's easy to do that on Ecstasy, and some people have
gotten very ill that way.  And I hate to drink anyway, and never feel
thirst.  But I noticed that my mouth was dry, and that the sun felt hot.
Well, there were all these faucets and garden hoses all around, so I
felt secure.  I just needed to find a way to drink from one of them.  I
didn't want to ask anyone to drink out of their hose.  Finally I found a
faucet without a hose on it, and I turned it on and drank.  The water
was hot.  And after a few swallows I began to feel nauseous.  But I felt
that, having taking in a few sips, I could stop worrying about
dehydrating for a while.  Still, for the three or so hours that I was
really high, I kept worrying about water.  I should have brought a
bottle with me.  Everywhere I went, I kept looking for water to make
sure I'd be OK.

But I loved the P-patch.  I spent a long time there.  Music.

Then I walked back down toward the water.  I wasn't so very high, and I
felt that I could stand being around people again.  I walked and began
to think about the people in my life.  I had little imaginary chats with
some of them, especially Elaine, Veronica, Claire, and my Dad.  You
know, I got my Dad a Father's Day card that said this: "Dad, you're one
of a kind!" Then inside, "So if I turned out a little unusual, it's
partly your fault!"  Actually, it didn't say "fault", it said something
gentler than that, but I can't remember what it was.  When I saw it I
decided to buy it immediately.  But as I was standing in the checkout
line I had second thoughts.  I thought it just might make my Dad feel
bad.  But I bought it and sent it anyway.  So yesterday I had this
imaginary conversation with my Dad, and I said, "Dad, I didn't buy that
card, you bought it!  Why did you buy me such a crappy Father's Day
card?"

Most of my thoughts about other people centered on the idea that I'm
always taking responsibility for their feelings.  I kept trying to turn
that idea around.  I said to Claire, "Claire, what do you want from me?
What are you trying to do to me?"  Because mostly when I see people
getting attracted to me, I think about how I'm doing them a disservice,
and that's how I've been thinking about Claire.

But I didn't really get anywhere with this line of thought.  I mean, I
entertained myself by talking to all these people and giving them
responsibility for things, but I wanted some insight, and I didn't get
any.  And then, this morning, I found my mind stuck in that rut, the rut
of trying to figure out who's responsible in all my relationships.  By
this morning it wasn't entertaining anymore, it was boring and
frustrating.

But yesterday it was at least entertaining.  I thought of all the
important people in my life and felt overwhelmed with them.  I tried to
imagine all of them (you included, Sandy) walking with me, or standing
in a circle around me, and I couldn't do it.  I could take them on only
one at a time.  I never had a long chat with you.

I thought about my future housemate, Heidi.  I realized that I hadn't
yet told you that I'm moving in with her.  I felt that she and I were
somehow destined to share the next part of our lives.  And I felt how
very scared I was at the prospect of moving in with someone new.  I had
a little chat with Heidi about it.  What an intimate thing, to live
with someone.  I thought about how intimate it has been to live with
Ron and Pat for 4-1/2 years.  I've seen so much of their lives and of
their marriage.  I wonder sometimes if they'd like to hear what I've
observed.  I could maybe tell Ron.

Around twilight I found myself in the P-patch for the third time.  I
decided it was time to head home.  I could feel that I was well on my way
down.  But I was still too high to concentrate on my bearings.  I walked
south from Colman Park, instead of north.  This morning it seems so
ridiculous, because this house is just one block north of the P-patch.
But I walked probably 1/2 mile south.  Not just once, but three times.
I walked in a big circle three times!  Can you imagine?  By the third
time I was afraid that people would notice what I was doing and start
to worry about my sanity.  I was down enough that I was starting to feel
cold and tired.  Finally I figured out how to get home.

I didn't think that I wanted to listen to my voice mail messages, but
when I did, I found that I really enjoyed hearing people's voices.  I
tried calling a couple people back, but no answer.  I got a bottle of
Gatorade from the fridge, went to the upstairs bedroom, opened the
window, pulled up the rocking chair, and rocked and sipped for a long
time.  It was hard to drink, but I felt sure that I needed to replenish
my electrolytes.  When I'm on Ecstasy I never feel like consuming
anything, food or drink.  It was by now 9:30.  I took a warm shower,
called the cat back in, worried that he wasn't answering, decided to
sleep with the back door open so he could get in and out, and climbed
into bed.  Eddie came and snuggled with me after a while.